Tired of Overthinking

Gotta stop trying to fit into these silly boxes...

I just got out of the shower. I’m still in a bathrobe and have my hair twisted up in a tie dye towel. The half an edible I ingested prior to my shower seems to be settling in nicely at this point, especially evident in the currently pleasurable experience of typing this message. Click, click, click, tap, tap, tap - very nice.

During my time under the flow of hotter-than-necessary water, I came to the realization that I absolutely need to stop avoiding writing for this space. Watching video essays on topics I’m interested in and reading incredibly organized and detailed written essays has tricked my brain into thinking that’s the only way to do this. Sweet silly brain.

It hadn’t occurred to me until that moment, that I could also simply be a curator of information I find interesting, and share that instead. That’s basically what I do every time I stream on Twitch anyway, I just rapid fire random thoughts, ideas and things I’ve learned at the incredibly kind, patient and weird humans listening and chatting with me. Why not just write that shit down, especially since I don’t have the time to stream as often anymore?

So wassup, that’s what you’re getting today.

I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve been losin’ it a bit. Not in a major way, but just in the, like, grinding my teeth at night again, kind of way. Heh. No but seriously, although I’ve definitely been noticing a distinct increase in stress levels over the last few weeks, I’ve been alright and doing everything I can to be kind to my body and nervous system. Meditation, stretching, getting lost on Reddit AITA for hours at a time, eating nutritious food, etc.

Thankfully, I can feel myself coming out of this higher stress period and I want to share some of the things I’ve been pondering and working with lately.

Let’s start with climate change. Yeah. That situation. I finally managed to get myself to dive deeper into the predicament we find ourselves in, and…damn. There are definitely parts of me who wish I hadn’t done it, and would love to just go back to not knowing. Ultimately though, I’m glad to know and ready to do whatever I can to help save as much of our planet and people as possible.

(This is one of the videos I watched that went into really useful detail, in a delightfully weird way - I love Some More News.)

Knowing the dire circumstances we’re facing as a parent is a trip I would love to not be on. I want my daughter to have more than I had, and instead, as far as the magic of our planet goes, she’ll be getting less. On top of that, I’ve also been learning a lot about societal collapse, another fun topic. Authoritarianism, fascism, the patriarchy and white supremacy have been subjects of study as well, so as you might imagine, the things that keep me up at night have frequently featured tidbits from the newly gained knowledge in those areas.

Doing research in these areas brought on waves of grief, which, unfortunately collided with some other anxieties and pains I had already been working with and also coincided with the devastating hurricanes that wiped entire towns off the map. It has been uncomfortable, to say the least, to sit with the feelings arising as I investigate life in deeper ways. Death has been a frequent visitor in my life, and all this new information is an intense reminder of mortality and impermanence.

Having said all of that, I imagine you can probably see how I’d end up working with high levels of stress and teeth grinding and such. Thanks to the power of mindfulness and meditation, I’ve been grateful to have tools to work with this difficult time. I'm immensely grateful to be able to step back from these experiences and bear witness to them without such intense attachment or identification. I’m grateful for all the insights sitting still or sitting through pain has offered me. By witnessing and caring for myself through yet another difficult time, I’ve learned so much.

(This AfterSkool video that animated a talk from Ram Dass speaks to the challenges we face in this current climate. I find it profound, painful and useful to keep some of these ideas in mind with my work.)

Lately, I’ve learned I can’t be on social media daily (duh). I’ve learned I really cannot skip stretching and exercise. I’ve learned that I care very deeply about life in all forms. I’ve learned that I am still trying to fit myself and my efforts into pre-existing boxes. Boxes that are as real as I am. Existing in concept alone.

Moving forward, I aim to return to S.H.A.D.E.S., once more. I keep it in mind often, but haven’t structured a daily schedule around it for a while now. I also intend to be mindful about my social media consumption. It’s not avoidance at this point. I know shit is terrible. I know there are countless atrocities and horrors happening daily and there are countless incredible moments and beautiful expressions of solidarity and care happening daily.

I also know I want to be a part of the latter. I want to stay focused on the care I have for life rather than the fear I have of losing any part of it, because I know, ultimately nothing is ever fully lost to me. It’s all with me. I exist as a part of everything. We all do.

Liberation is the highest intention, and since my liberation is intertwined with everyone else’s, I know I can’t completely stay away from social media or the outside world forever and I don't intend to. I do want to approach any efforts I undertake in the world with care, compassion and understanding - and these are energies best cultivated through practice.

I plan to do more mindful movement, more embodied work, more singing, more dancing, more compassionate self-care and also focus on improving the quality of connection in my relationships and local area.

What are you doin', lately? How are you coping with the harsh realities of this space in time? How are are you working to bridge the divides we face as human beings in a polarized world? What have you read or watched lately that helped you feel empowered?

I'll share one more with you:

This video by Elliot Sang put a lot of the feelings I had into words in a beautiful and raw way. I think many of you will find it to be interesting and maybe even encouraging.

Share your thoughts with me, if you would. I'd love to hear from you.

Until next time, sending you all love and metta.

- Jessica / Snaps